Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I didn't shave. On purpose
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
