My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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