If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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