woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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