Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
