the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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