Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
