someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
