I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
