ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
