remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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