I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
