Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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