theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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