My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
