i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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