she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
