I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
