god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
