And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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