I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
