people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
