I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
