i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
where are my eyebrows?
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