Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
