tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
worst night to have a conscience
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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