Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
