Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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