Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
