I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
