Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize