you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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