Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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