It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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