I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
