yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
