I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
