dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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