true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
