i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
