just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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