Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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