Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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