Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
