It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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