it was like his penis was on wheels.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
