Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
