im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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