new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize