There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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