there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
