Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
