We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
