My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
