I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize