Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
