Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
