just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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