I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize