Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
